:: Thursday 19 July 01 ::
Let's put a big peevish-lousy-ingrate-Grinchiness warning on this one, up front ...
OK, so number 47 on the life list of things that make me mentally ill is the entire gift-giving ritual. From either end, as giver or as recipient. It's one of those complicated coded social dances that I wish we could just bag.
Last night I went out to dinner with P., the boyfriend (I said to him "I don't care where we go as long as it's got air conditioning and cold beer and we can park your air-conditioned car right next to the front door which will admit us into the air conditioned interior" and so we ended up at a Chinese place in the 'burbs where I had mediocre Hunan chicken and revelled in the glorious air-conditionedness of it all), and over the meal I finally admitted to him that I'd broken down and bought myself a digital camera. Which is not in and of itself a bad thing to have done--my reluctance to own up was mostly because in our relationship he tends to be Material Boy, lusting after $5000 Patek Phillipe watches and techno-toys, and I usually play the Voice Of Self-Denial and Fiscal Restraint, and one does not fuck casually with a long-established allocation of relationship roles.
Anyway, he got a pissed-off look on his face and started stabbing at his Ta Chien chicken (which was much better than what I had) and finally said, "You know, there are certain times of year when you should not be making big purchases for yourself." Which left me wholly baffled, until he went on to say that he'd been planning to buy me a digital camera for my birthday, which is coming up in a couple of weeks, doing the research, narrowing choices, and had just been on the point of sending in his order, and now he was going to have to start over from scratch. (Further discussion revealed that his choice had been, in fact, exactly the model I'd most wanted and had finally passed on because it was just too damn expensive--which I guess at least confirms my deep faith in his good taste.)
But anyway, so I start apologizing like a madman, feeling like a schmuck, and he mutters for a while. Turns out that when I said something idly a few weeks ago about wanting a digital camera, he'd read that as me dropping a Big Honkin' Clue about what he should be getting me. I said, "But I didn't mean it that way! And that's way way too expensive for you to be getting me for a present!" And then it turns out that when I'd bought him a rather pricey CD-player thingie for his birthday last year (which I'd done because I was totally at the end of my wits as to what to get him, and it was one thing I remembered him mentioning in a yearning way) he'd seen it as upping the gift-ante, and he'd felt obligated to reciprocate with something large.
Anyway, we got it ironed out, more or less, but the whole imbroglio just encapsulates everything that makes me nuts about the gift ritual:
--The see-saw of It's Not About The Money, Except Actually It Is. How much did X spend on me? How much do I then need to spend on X? Because screwing up this balancing act will leave one party in the equation feeling like a lousy cheapskate.
--The Amazing Kreskin act of What The Hell Does This Person Really Want, Anyway? Because I really suck at discerning other people's material tastes, needs, or desires, in any kind of subtle intuitive way.
--The fandango of If I Mention Something I'd Like To Have, Am I Being a Big Gimme-Gimme Greedhead or Thoughtfully Providing the Other Party With a Clue? Because I'd rather have my toenails ripped out than act like some kind of golddigger, but at the same time I know how much I appreciate hints in the gift-giving realm.
--And the constant refrain that keeps cycling around: It's Not About The Stuff, It's About The Love. If you really care about someone, you'll know what to get that person, out of pure Lurve, and if you don't, well, then, you must not really care.
Some people really do have a talent for gift-giving; it's supposed to be coded on the XX chromosomal combo, I think, because in modern folklore men are the ones who end up befuddled by these questions. Just another way that I flunk Womanliness 101.
Really, it's not about the money. I like spending money on other people, making them happy. I just don't know how to do it gracefully. And I wish people felt they were doing fine by simply giving me a few warm words on those gift-type occasions. I don't want them to have the aggravation of trying to figure all this out any more than I do.
Well, the next couple of months, containing, as they do, my brother's birthday (his 50th!), my dad's (his 80th!), and P.'s, will give me plenty of chances to grapple with this. Gack.
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On the other hand, it could be worse...
"In Japan, the giving and receiving of gifts are traditional customs in that the value of the gift itself is not as important as its presentation and the thoughtfulness behind the giving. Nonetheless, it is a $124 million dollar industry with particular social events and specific days of gift-giving.
"Most commonly, gifts are given when you are, or are going to be, indebted to another person, family, or business. So unless you are not planning to meet anyone on a trip to Japan, you should consider taking at least a few gifts with you. Another consideration is that the Japanese are constantly giving gifts and it would be embarrassing if you were empty handed.
"Traditionally, the Japanese have a gift giving season twice a year. The midsummer gift giving is called O-chugen and the year-end gift giving is called O-seibo. O-chugen originated as an offering to those families that had a death in the first half of the year and to this day O-chugen takes place two weeks before O-bon (the holiday for honouring the dead). The end of the year gift giving is more widely observed, with gifts going to friends, colleagues, teachers, clients or customers, and to anyone you are indebted to.
"Business gift giving is much more lavish and prestigious, when humility is not a factor. Companies spend large sums of money on O-seibo gifts to their clients or customers of that year. And since everyone is giving a gift, there is a sense of competition to give the most interesting or valued gift. Department stores have a section just on gifts appropriate for gift giving. Naturally, department stores also have a gift wrapping and delivery service.
"As well, gifts are given on congratulatory occasions such as birthdays, (especially at ages 60, 70, 77, 88, & 99) anniversaries, weddings, births, children's festivals, business openings, new homes, promotions, children passing entrance exams or graduation. Gifts are also important when returning from a trip for family, friends, and co-workers. This is one reason that the Japanese tourist is a valued customer in other countries.
"Once a gift is given, the Japanese are sure to return with a "thank-you" gift called an O-kaeshi. This is an industry in itself as O-kaeshi are given at events such as weddings, funerals, births, illnesses, etc. Usually, the value of the O-kaeshi is half the value of the giver's gift. It is important to not be too lavish as the receiver will be obliged to return at least half your gift's value back to you."
http://www.shinnova.com/part/99-japa/abj23-e.htm
"I'd learned on the highway and in the circus, in the army, and at boxing gyms that even if you have a cutman in your corner to stanch the blood, it doesn't obviate the need for stamina, self-reliance, and keeping oriented to what I think of as the earth's magnetic field. You can have allies, mentors, be married, but still you're going to be alone most of your life, and if you're going to run off the rails, you had better be good company for yourself."
--Edward Hoagland