:: Saturday 11 August 01

No more heat-bitchiness; the cool front came through, and last night I actually had to get up and put another blanket on the bed. Life is good. Of course, I have now managed to strain my lower back, for no apparent reason, so that sitting hurts, and moving around hurts, and everything hurts except lying on the floor with my lower legs up on the coffee table, a position from which it's amazingly difficult to do anything whatsoever. Grr. I tell myself this is due to gross neglect of my back exercises, which may be true, and in any event gives me the comforting illusion of self-efficacy. We all need to feel some sense of self-efficacy in a random and often cruelly arbitrary cosmos, god knows.

Randomness.

Have been grossly unproductive since I got back to town, not the comfortable relaxed kind of slackerhood, but a niggling jittery inability to focus. Felt wholly unable to write yesterday, and none of the usual tricks worked--not the setting-the-timer-for-ten-minutes, not the once-around-the-block-and-back-at-it, not even the compulsive rereading of heartening feedback letters. Once I get back in motion I'll be able to keep going, but inertia is a fearsome force.

I simultaneously winced and chortled at beth666ann's description of being suddenly sandbagged by a painful memory, berating herself out loud while thwapping herself in the head, and then realizing she'd been seen/overheard. Oh, god, been there and done that so many times (although my self-excoriations are usually rather harsher and more profane and hence more alarming to innocent passersby). Her description of the feeling is perfectly rendered, though. Hating the memory, hating having the memory, hating the self, hating the self-hatred, the neurotic hall of mirrors.

Found an interesting essay on fanfiction, at Barbelith; the ensuing discussion is also very interesting, and I started to write a follow-up comment myself but didn't finish it (intertia, dontcha know).

Added sabine's journal to links (thanks, Nestra!). Need to do more housekeeping on links. Am contemplating page redesign. Too lazy to undertake either one.

Randomness. I warned you. Thick as cement today, stupid as a stone. I'm going to go away now and vacuum, clutching my lower back and cursing.

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"I'd learned on the highway and in the circus, in the army, and at boxing gyms that even if you have a cutman in your corner to stanch the blood, it doesn't obviate the need for stamina, self-reliance, and keeping oriented to what I think of as the earth's magnetic field. You can have allies, mentors, be married, but still you're going to be alone most of your life, and if you're going to run off the rails, you had better be good company for yourself."    
--Edward Hoagland